They say you are what you eat. If that is true, then at the moment I am a Frito corn chip. Not my best look. With my post race bloat, as well as a photo shoot that I have previously been ignoring waving at me from my calendar a month from now, I decide that this is the perfect time to try my first juice cleanse. Que the fireworks and high fives.
Hurrah! This is going to be fun, I thought, as I drove to Nekter Juice Bar to pick up my juices. As I walked in, I felt super healthy already. Ready to take on this challenge. And then they told me the cost. Holy crap that is expensive. But, I am paying more for more results, right? Not letting this phase me, I happily drove home with my new, very expensive but worth it plan buckled into the passenger seat next to me, grinning with excitement. I decided to celebrate my amazing decision to find a healthier me with a glass of wine and some Fritos, of course. My last real meal for days needed to be epic.
I woke the next morning with much less enthusiasm for the cleanse than the day before. Where was my yummy hazelnut coffee and what is this oderific replacement? As I drank juice #1 I thought, alright, I got this. Change requires a positive attitude. So down the hatch it went and I jumped out of bed trying to fake the excitement I felt the day before.
I grabbed juice #2 and drove to my class. Sure I was hungry, sure I had a slight headache but man, I was gonna feel amazing soon. I opened the juice while sitting on my bike waiting to get class started. A horrible smell immediately emanated from the bottle in my hand. I thought the first juice was bad. I was wrong. This juice made the first one seem delicious. The first hint of failure crept into my head. This was going be a long three days. I choked it down and started class.
The the next few hours were much the same. I choked down juice after juice while dreaming of anything that I could chew. I broke down around 4 pm and had some almonds which were allowed for emergencies. They did nothing for what I felt. It wasn’t exactly hunger. I was somewhat fed, it was more like…gasp, just the need to throw something at my face. Crap, I really needed this cleanse.
So I trudged on looking forward to the blissful shake that everyone said is amazing. The Coup De Gras, shake #6. Vanilla bean and cashew with nothing green or smelly. Shockingly, it just made my stomach hurt on top of the increasingly horrid headache I seem to be quickly developing. I crawled into bed as soon as I put the kids down and prayed that tomorrow would be easier.
It was around 3 pm day two that I really started to doubt my actual ability to finish said cleanse. The downward spiral happened fast as my head was pounding and I was starving. I actually thought about eating one of my own children because they were covered in pizza sauce and small bits of parmesan. I threw a couple of more almonds at my face and locked myself in the bathroom until both boys were safely cleaned and de-pizza-ed. I paid for this, I kept repeating. I paid a lot of money for this. Don’t eat that cheese. And that became my mantra for the remainder of the cleanse.
Thankfully, the next day got surprisingly easier. I was no longer wanting to kill strangers for food they may or may not be carrying. I welcomed back my energy with gusto. I felt light and strong. My skin was glowing and I felt more hydrated than I have in years. Most importantly, I realized that I had forgotten to view food as fuel and had been mindlessly eating through my days. My joints felt amazing and my hands were pain-free for the first time in several months. My head was more clear and focused. And I no longer wanted to use a large bag of m&ms as a feed bag. Hurrah, success is mine!
As night falls on day three, it is time to “gently break my fast with a small portion of steamed veggies”. Very reasonable and probably a good choice. But who am I kidding, I pop the top on a bottle of Pinot and pair it with some cheese, rationalizing that it least it wasn’t Fritos.