I’ll Cleanse To That

October 28, 2015

FullSizeRender-8They say you are what you eat. If that is true, then at the moment I am a Frito corn chip. Not my best look. With my post race bloat, as well as a photo shoot that I have previously been ignoring waving at me from my calendar a month from now, I decide that this is the perfect time to try my first juice cleanse. Que the fireworks and high fives.

Hurrah! This is going to be fun, I thought, as I drove to Nekter Juice Bar to pick up my juices. As I walked in, I felt super healthy already. Ready to take on this challenge. And then they told me the cost. Holy crap that is expensive. But, I am paying more for more results, right? Not letting this phase me, I happily drove home with my new, very expensive but worth it plan buckled into the passenger seat next to me, grinning with excitement. I decided to celebrate my amazing decision to find a healthier me with a glass of wine and some Fritos, of course. My last real meal for days needed to be epic.

I woke the next morning with much less enthusiasm for the cleanse than the day before. Where was my yummy hazelnut coffee and what is this oderific replacement? As I drank juice #1 I thought, alright, I got this. Change requires a positive attitude. So down the hatch it went and I jumped out of bed trying to fake the excitement I felt the day before.

I grabbed juice #2 and drove to my class. Sure I was hungry, sure I had a slight headache but man, I was gonna feel amazing soon. I opened the juice while sitting on my bike waiting to get class started. A horrible smell immediately emanated from the bottle in my hand. I thought the first juice was bad. I was wrong. This juice made the first one seem delicious. The first hint of failure crept into my head. This was going be a long three days. I choked it down and started class.

The the next few hours were much the same. I choked down juice after juice while dreaming of anything that I could chew. I broke down around 4 pm and had some almonds which were allowed for emergencies. They did nothing for what I felt. It wasn’t exactly hunger. I was somewhat fed, it was more like…gasp, just the need to throw something at my face. Crap, I really needed this cleanse.

So I trudged on looking forward to the blissful shake that everyone said is amazing. The Coup De Gras, shake #6. Vanilla bean and cashew with nothing green or smelly. Shockingly, it just made my stomach hurt on top of the increasingly horrid headache I seem to be quickly developing. I crawled into bed as soon as I put the kids down and prayed that tomorrow would be easier.

It was around 3 pm day two that I really started to doubt my actual ability to finish said cleanse. The downward spiral happened fast as my head was pounding and I was starving. I actually thought about eating one of my own children because they were covered in pizza sauce and small bits of parmesan. I threw a couple of more almonds at my face and locked myself in the bathroom until both boys were safely cleaned and de-pizza-ed. I paid for this, I kept repeating. I paid a lot of money for this. Don’t eat that cheese. And that became my mantra for the remainder of the cleanse.

Thankfully, the next day got surprisingly easier. I was no longer wanting to kill strangers for food they may or may not be carrying. I welcomed back my energy with gusto. I felt light and strong. My skin was glowing and I felt more hydrated than I have in years. Most importantly, I realized that I had forgotten to view food as fuel and had been mindlessly eating through my days. My joints felt amazing and my hands were pain-free for the first time in several months. My head was more clear and focused. And I no longer wanted to use a large bag of m&ms as a feed bag. Hurrah, success is mine!

As night falls on day three, it is time to “gently break my fast with a small portion of steamed veggies”. Very reasonable and probably a good choice. But who am I kidding, I pop the top on a bottle of Pinot and pair it with some cheese, rationalizing that it least it wasn’t Fritos.

More about Jules Perez

Personal trainer, fitness coach, group fitness instructor, triathlete, mother, wife, and all around awesome chick!

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